In my past topics in
this blog, I asked the question, “If you were stripped of all of your
possessions and status in society, would a stranger still think of you as a
good human being?” I directed this question in general. Adversity is one of the
primary factors that mold the culture of a population. Just about any aspect of
a society's culture -- be it the way we dress, the food we eat, the social
protocols we follow -- have some roots in past adversity that the society has
had to face. Some kinds
of adversity are of an instantaneous nature -- the cause and effect of the
adversity are clearly visible. The
fact of the matter is the definition of family, culture, and values have
changed lately; I've learned several hard lessons in my personal life and
visibly impacted by such a drastic change.
Let’s talk about what
this culture is, how we measure family values, culture, and the success. This topic is very important for particularly
for families who are bringing up their children in USA; and to some extent for
those who are living outside of USA but living in the westernized society. There are several concerns and conflicts that
come with balancing an Indian upbringing at home with a Western culture and
expectations outside the home. Let’s
discuss these issues further and find out how success is measured in our
culture and what would make us truly valuable in the society in which we live.
Intuitively, it is
obvious to say that Indians and Americans / people of western hemisphere come
from vastly different cultures and thus cannot understand the expectations and
customs of the other culture. But the
interactions between parents and children, friends, siblings and in-laws, are
the same in every culture even if the issues surrounding them are
different. All parents want their
children to succeed and have a decent and comfortable life when they grow
up. Almost every community measures
success in terms of material wealth and social status. And, for their part, children of all cultures
strive to fulfill their parents’ expectations.
The perception of difference comes from how we act on the attachments we
have to our family and how we fulfill the expectations they have of us. Thus, the differences between cultures are
only as measurable as you wish them to be.
It cannot be denied that Indians eat differently, worship Gods that look
different, and call different places home.
However, we must not confuse
culture with preference.
Your culture is
something you were born with, something that was given to you at birth and that
you had to do nothing to possess. Culture is not something that is preserved by going to the temple or by
attending “so called” cultural events or by presenting yourself as the ideal
“Indian”. Rather your culture is something that exists
without you being aware of it and it is an indisputable fact. Culture is a part of how you were raised, how
you think about yourself, and who you feel you are in the society you live
in. An Indian who speaks with an
American accent is still an Indian by virtue of the culture that he/she was
born into. Thus the question of how to
live harmoniously within two cultures or societies becomes a matter of
perspective and your involvement in minimizing the differences you choose to
see. To dig little deeper, there is no
such things as “Indian” culture. Truly
speaking, most of the people who live or are from the politically drawn borders
called “India” are belonging to a culture that practices the prescription of
“Sanathana Dharma” or “A way of Life”.
Many people from Indian culture are moving away from the “spiritual”
context to a “religious” context; thus drawing parallels with western
cultures.
With regards to how
Indians measure “success”, it is important to know that every community in the
world has worshiped the “Goddess of Success.”
All parents (past & present) in all cultures expect that their
children will be the brightest and the best.
But it is up to the child (you were once a child too) to define for one
what it means to be the brightest and the best.
As it is evident from what you are today, parent’s role is just to coach;
not play child’s role again! Every parent has
the dream that their children will become doctors or graduate from an Ivy
League school or IIT so that they can live a wealthy life. Neither Indian nor Western religions deride
material acquisitions or desires as wrong.
At the same time,
because your parents expect you to be the best does not mean that they control
your destiny. Your destiny is your own as it has been since the day you were
born. Every person has been given the
ability to reason and make decisions based on their own preferences. While a parent’s responsibility is to guide a
child to a good life, it is the child’s responsibility to define what a good
life will be to him or her. I have heard
many Indian children complain that their parents want them only to be a doctor
or an engineer. My dad wants me to be a
famous “Veda Pundit”; seriously, not making it up! I still remember the day when I just finished
my ‘Sandyavandanam” and “Agni Karyam” and was standing in front of two learned and scholarly (one being my dad) suggesting the importance preserving our
culture and values while I was just a few days away from knowing my 10th
grade results. I’m not saying my dad and
his learned & scholarly friend has no point. It was my point however that it is up to me
to take responsibility for what I set out to do with my life despite my parents
desires. Free will enables you to do
so. As they say in USA, a free will also
comes with responsibility. It requires child to consider the
experience of others along with your own desires. Thus to defy your parents for the sake of
defiance keeps you from being open to everything that the world has to offer
and consequently from benefiting from everything it has to offer.
A good education,
material success, and a comfortable life are very laudable goals. At the same time, success comes with a
price. Beware of arrogance that comes as a natural by-product with success. I know them personally; who are paying the price of arrogance but pretends as if no such thing exists. Whether you strive to be a famous
veda pundit, a doctor, a technologist, or an artist or a scientist, you need to
work "smart" and deal with the pressures and agony that is inherent in every life,
no matter how successful. The objective is balancing your “material successes”
with your personal life and to discover the secret of being happy regardless of
your stature in life. Number of visits to your favorite temple is not the balancing act by any means.
What is the secret of
being happy? As Bertrand Russell, in his book Conquest of Happiness, says,
“human beings know that happiness is out there but do not know how to seek it
or find it.” Numerous thinkers, far more
learned and insightful than I am, have sought an answer to the profound
question, “What is happiness”. The writings
in this blog are only a feeble attempt at drawing from the wisdom and knowledge
of the great philosophers of this world who examined this question.
All religions of the
world – Christianity, Islam, or Buddhism and non-religious context of the
Sanathana Dharma - ask the individual to seek happiness within oneself. As a first step, recognize that you are an
integral part of nature and society as a whole, not a segment of society that
differentiates you from others. Once you
recognize that all humans, regardless of our color, caste, or religion, feel
pain, sorrow, joy, disappointment and love, it seems foolish to ignore these
similarities and still draw distinctions based on origin or wealth. While our cars, home, and jobs may make us
feel important, we are no more important than anyone else that inhabits the
world. Our beliefs and habits are only
preferences but our actions define who we are. Anyone who makes these preferences as reason to elevate themselves
above people who are different only succeeds in doing the opposite.
Happiness begins with
instilling a basic humility in your thought. Remain aware of your strengths and
simultaneously aware of your limitations. In so doing, you realize that your
triumphs are not just your own but something that must be shared with others.
By becoming aware of your role in the world juxtaposed against how you interact
with others, you will realize that life is not an individual’s journey, but
rather, the collective journey of a human, an animal, and the occasional
schizophrenic.
I hope this helps!
