I’m most likely still learning

It’s funny how there are things we pick up along the way, I think.  Things that no one ever says but life teaches us to be "true".  The sad thing is they aren't true - not even a little bit.  I think we all have these.   Experiences, interactions, realized dreams, and deferred hopes shape us greatly.  They are different for us all.   The thing about these untruths we come to believe is that they can be unlearned just as they can be learned.  It takes more time and more work but in the end, it is worth the effort.  So here are some things I have learned again and again in response to my misconceptions (and I’m most likely still learning):

Not all friends are forever friends.  You like them for a season and they like you back.  While the evolution of friendships is sure to occur, it is not always easy or painless.  While it is easy to place blame, you can't.  Life leads us in different paths.  But in the end, you are thankful for their role - for what you learned from them and for how you grew from their influence.  I can think of people I wish were still a present role in my life but are not.  I miss them but can now look back in thankfulness for the time we had together.

Some (friendly) relationships never end.  Despite moves, career changes, setbacks, and life itself, some friends are with you through it all.  Oceans and continents may separate you but some friends are beautifully stubborn - they won't leave you.  They often love you in spite of you or anything you can say/do.  These are rare and are the joys of our lives, not to be taken for granted.    

No does not mean the end.  There are so many things that we can hope for in life.  There are the big ones that change everything (life stages) and the little one that make life fun (days off of work).  Yet, when hope in deferred, it really can make the heart sick - especially the big ones.  However, just because life takes a turn, it doesn't always lead to a dead end.  It can mean a shift in paradigm, a refocus, a new way to view the world/situation.  Often we have no say in how things will turn out but we do have a choice in how we respond to them.  In the joy, we sing.  In the disappointments, we turn to Plan B or Plan H or Plan S.  What we never do is give up.  Hope is the one thing we cannot afford to lose.  If I may, every night we go to bed without any of assurance of being live the next morning but still we set the alarms in our watches to wake up; that’s hope!

You cannot be everything for everyone.  This people pleaser struggles here.  Despite every effort you can put in to someone/something, you will at some point drop the ball.  That is okay.  People have different needs and we cannot meet them all.  To think we can is vain.  Yet, when things don't work out, we cannot fully blame ourselves.  Yes, there are times when we must take responsibility for our actions but we cannot take on things that do not belong to us.  But, beware of “spin masters” – these are most dangerous people in this world…  My most recent experience confirms that fact, again!

We cannot take ownership of things that don't belong to you.  In all types of relationships, in curveballs thrown at you, in the highs, and in the lows, you cannot take responsibility for the actions, opinions, and demands of others.  You are responsible for yourself and no one else.  You are made just as you are - your personality, your relational skills, your mannerisms, and so much more.  This is what defines who you are.  This is all you can give, all you can offer.  No one can negate that and you cannot belittle that.  Are we perfect?  No.  Are we free from growth and self-improvement?  No.  At the same time, we are who we are and that is a beautiful thing!

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Share of the Pie

In this world, we face an acute problem of saturation.  Just about anything has intense competition.  Scarcity (natural or artificial) is rampant and it is not uncommon to see people fight desperately over stakes that are trivial when compared...

And hence, about 15 years ago, when I started my career here I USA, I adopted a personal philosophy: expand the pie; don't fight for a share of it.

It was evident (to me) that unless we make the available pie bigger, any amount of competitiveness is eventually going to hit a barrier.  And being literally resourceless and broke, the only option available to me for helping in expanding the pie, is to take up a career that is less traveled.

Several years down the line, looking back at a very turbulent journey so far, it is time to reflect.  Firstly, do I regret anything?  Absolutely not!  It has been an absolutely invigorating journey and even successful in bits and pieces.  Second, do I think that "expand the pie" philosophy was untrue?  Absolutely not, again!  Time and again we keep seeing news stories of us getting into saturation mode (fuel, power, garbage, jobs, traffic, etc.) and unless we build a vast culture of pie expanding enthusiasts, we only stand to face huge crises in the future.

But then, expanding the pie is easier said than done.  We cannot start looking at ways of expanding the pie after we are hit by a crisis.  We should be well prepared long before.  The best times to prepare for war are in times of peace, as the saying goes.

I would like to share a couple of my experiences and lessons learned in trying to expand the pie:

Beware of the fear of the unknown:

Expanding the pie necessarily means venturing into the unknown.  We may think we are adults, but we don't realize that we are adults only when we are in familiar mental territory.  The moment we are in the unknown, our primal fears surface in ways that we cannot even fathom.

The way people react to the unknown is very unpredictable.  They may suddenly become unusually defensive or offensive, get into a closet and refuse to communicate, take big decisive actions rather on an impulse, and so on.

Your intentions will be misinterpreted:

Come to think of it -- the herd is moving in one direction and fiercely fighting over that little piece of bread, and here you are walking away in a different direction...

Of course, your intentions will be misinterpreted.  You will be seen with suspicion, your integrity will be questioned, people will put up safety nets against you, call you weird, will secretly want to see you isolated, and what not.

Expect it.  At least then, you will not be hurt too much when you encounter it.

Remember the Gandhi quote, particularly the last line?

First they laugh at you

Then they ignore you

Then they fight you

Then you win..!

When you expand the pie, you will not necessarily get a share of it.

When you develop good ideas that successfully question status quo -- it will eventually get adopted.  But you will most likely not be in the picture there (even if you are alive and kicking..)

Expect to be muscled around, one-sided & vicious attacks, being told that your ideas are obvious and trivial, being sweet-talked while you are getting poached, the list goes on...

Be aware.  Don't compromise.  Be ready to lose what you have and always remember that your real wealth is within you -- your ability to think and develop ideas.  Keep working on that ability and see to it that it never gets sidelined in all such worldly nonsense.

I hope this helps.

Win-Win Ideas

“Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas” - this quote is not mine; this is in retrospect one of the most useful quotes I've understood well while living in this world surrounded by so many friends and relatives.

(I’ve conducted my own under-cover experiments and made several observations over several months and years.  You are most likely a part of my experiments or observations and so, would like to share the result with you too).  Feel free to let me know what you think about this blog.

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Most of you know me as an "idea-centric" person than the "people-centric" person.  I have met with a lot of opposition (from my relatives and friends) due to my this approach to world views.  One of the most common opposition that I've encountered is that by speaking about "ideas" I am basically trying to "show off" that I am intellectually better, smarter, (or an idiot), etc.  It does not mean that people who don't talk about ideas are unintelligent; they may just be modest, and so on. 

All I can say in response is :-)  

1. The opposing argument is again focused on the person and his underlying motives if any and fails to address the merit (or not) of the idea itself.  So, what if I am trying to show off, or not? It does not affect the truth or hollowness of the assertion that focusing on ideas rather than people is better in the long run.  And where did this whole stuff about someone being intelligent if they talk about ideas, come in?  At least, I am not at all sure what constitutes intelligence and "measures" of intelligence in the form of IQ scores are the dumbest thing I've seen. It does not of course mean that there is no such thing called intelligence; I just don't have or came across a good enough models to understand its various dimensions. In any case, the assertion about ideas versus people has nothing whatever to do with a person's intelligence.
2. Another opposing argument I've encountered is that being people-centric means that we care for people and hence it is a right thing to do, while being idea-centric is that we don't care about people and tend to end up living in our own worlds.

Not true!

Being people-centric does not mean that we care about people -- we just make people the center of our world-views.  We think in terms of people.  Hence, something bad means some person is to blame, and something good means some person is a hero.  More often than not, a people-centric world-view makes us pass judgments about people, when disagreeing with them on an idea.  I’m judged more often by the people-centric world views.   

It is naive to believe that any society can be run without any form of disagreements among its members. And in a people-centric society, disagreements result in conflicts, while in an idea-centric society disagreements result in dispassionate argumentation.

Also, an idea-centric world-view does not have to mean that we don't care about people. It all depends on what our ideas are. We can pursue ideas that result in a net benefit for people in general (a win-win game), or we can pursue ideas that benefit only us and causes no or net negative benefit to others (a win-lose game), or we can pursue ideas that give us a net negative benefit while creating good for others (a lose-win game), or of course, we can pursue ideas that result in a net loss for us and others (a lose-lose game).  It is completely up to us and our "intelligence."

Focusing on win-win ideas is "wise", focusing on win-lose ideas is "vain", focusing on lose-win ideas is "altruistic" and focusing on lose-lose ideas is, well, "stupid."

Of course, we can be “apathetic” and pursue ideas that have no perceivable value to either us or anyone else in the foreseeable future. What we do with ideas is basically up to us.

In fact, the assertion that "a people-centric world-view is all about caring for others" is basically an idea. Regardless of what I may believe, fundamentally it is ideas that mold our thinking.

So, what is the reason for my approach of an idea-centric view, if it is not for "showing off"?

The reason simply is that I believe an idea-centric world is a win-win world. It will unshackle us from a lot of issues like prejudice, discrimination, ego, insecurity, etc. that plague our relationships and keeps it from realizing our true potential. We can disagree with people fiercely on specific issues, yet go with them for a cup of coffee or invite them for dinner. This (incomplete) shift in my own mind to an idea-centric approach has helped me cope with a number of crises without falling apart as an individual; and my only hope is that it can help you too.

I've disagreed with a lot of people on a lot of issues, but that does not mean that I carry a personal enmity towards them -- at least it is not from my side. An enemy is someone whom we want to harm, while an adversary is someone who we fear may harm us.

There is a saying: The human mind is inelastic; once it is stretched to the limits of a new idea, it never returns back to its previous dimensions. Once we know, we know. We may forget the details and we may even forget that we know; but we know. Our mind has changed, irrevocably.

Given that, it is imperative for us to carefully watch and weigh the ideas that we are letting manipulate our inelastic minds.

A people-centric world-view is basically an idea places people at the center of our world-views. It stretches our inelastic minds into a configuration that only leads to political correct manipulations, out of which cannot escape so easily.

An idea-centric world-view is also an idea.  But the way it stretches our inelastic minds gives our minds greater freedom to operate. It is somewhat analogous to how object-oriented thinking is better than procedural thinking. Whatever application program we write in say, Java, we can very much write in C. But the object-oriented paradigm of thinking makes it much easier to design and maintain large application programs, than a procedural model.

I hope this helps.  

Defect of Philosophy or plain bad science*?

I was reading some articles on Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) on the net.  I definitely associate with several of the symptoms and some of the underlying theories.  There are also a few of my known and relatives who I believe have such symptoms.  And, they also believe that I have several OCPD symptoms.  But somewhere I think the theories go a bit too far in explaining the "philosophical defect" of this "disorder."

For instance, an article on OCPD that is cited on Wikipedia (different from above) starts with the assertion that OCPD is a "defect" in the underlying philosophy.  An obsession with perfectionism and a notion that I alone hold the truth are apparently the symptoms of a person suffering from an OCPD disorder.

And to complete the theory, OCPD folks (who have a philosophical "defect") vehemently disagree that they have any defect and in fact argue that whatever they believe in is the truth.

Er... how convenient :-)

Damned I am if I accept this statement; meaning which I have a personality "defect" and damned if I don't; meaning all the more that I have the said personality "defect".

Suppose I say that this theory is wrong.  Speaking for myself, I don't just go about saying that whatever I believe in is the truth.  Rather, I don't accept any theory or idea unless I am able to understand it -- right through to its first principles.  Most of the times, people generally accept ideas based on social metrics -- who is saying it, how forcefully it is said, who is endorsing it, and so on.  I’m sure you could be one of those, be honest to yourself; cross your heart!

On the other hand, I find it very difficult to do that.  I've often asked questions and offended close family members, relatives, friends, and colleagues who thought that I don't trust them.  It was just that I was trying to understand completely what is being told and the underlying philosophy it rests on.

I can imagine what'll happen if I critique the current model for OCPD or for the matter of fact talk about tap water vs. bottle water and instead explaining the above as the real reason for the OCPD symptoms.  Or perhaps propose an alternate theory based on synergistic thinking (work in progress).   The OCPD "experts", far from accepting my thesis will more likely insist vehemently that their current theory is the "truth" and conclude that I am wrong.

So, who has the OCPD now? :-)

For good measure, this article on OCPD even states that: "… reading this paper will be very provocative." And insists that the paper is still correct because it is based on DSM III-R which is "...the bible for persons in the mental health profession."

Sorry, I am very wary of dogmas in religious books... 

How about that, eh? Can't give a convincing argument?  Well, then place an oblique reference to a holy book (which may indeed be good enough to be treated with reverence), and state your own theory, without any substantiation.  Again OCPD symptoms!? Huh!  :-)

And the best part of the above article is: "Agreeing to disagree is rarely a reasonable solution and often not in the scope of the OCPD's world."

I'll write separately on this "agree to disagree" and other trendy nonsense!

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What do I mean by “plain bad science”?

*plain bad science is commonly used to describe well-intentioned but incorrect, obsolete, incomplete, or over-simplified expositions of scientific ideas.  An example would be the statement that electrons revolve in orbits around the atomic nucleus, a picture that was discredited in the 1920's, but is so much more vivid and easily grasped than the one that supplanted it that it shows no sign of dying out.  Plain bad science is very dangerous!  Another example; I’m sure you too have come across this type of people several times in your life.  People just take the reference of others without the pursuit of logical or common sense knowledge or just by “googling” to find what they want to see or hear.  I’m sure they will find "exactly" what they wanted to know or see in addition to what they don’t want to see.  I've personally known many who give lot more significance and value to what they find on the “public” internet.    

Of course, the pursuit of scientific (not necessarily related to the subject of science), systematic, logical, exact, or methodical knowledge usually involves elements of intuition and guesswork; experiments do not always test a theory adequately, and experimental results can be incorrectly interpreted or even wrong.  In legitimate science, however, these problems tend to be self-correcting, if not by the original researchers themselves, then through the critical scrutiny of the greater scientific community.  Caution!!! Critical thinking is an essential element of everything we do, see, hear, or say!

Thinking Straight

Mom: Son, it is 7 'o clock already. Get up! You are getting late for school
Son replies: I don't want to go to school Mom.. The teachers don't like me and all the students laugh at me.
Mom says: Son.. that is no reason to skip school. You have to go to school -- besides, you are the Principal of the school!

~~~~~~~~~

I know it is an old joke, but why is it funny?

The reason why this story is funny is that, our brain does its thinking typically within the framework of what is called, a mental model. The mental model determines what "ground truths" or unchallenged assumptions, will guide our reasoning process. 

The "semantic memory" in our brains is responsible for giving inputs that form these ground truths. The ground truths represent significant concepts relevant to the situation, and relationships among them. 

For instance, in the above story, we would have typically assumed that the Son in the story is a student who has to go to school. 

And when the Mom says that "...you are the principal!!", suddenly this new piece of information brings down the entire model that we had at the back of our mind, and causes it to create a whole new consistent model. Now the Son is the Principal and yes, the Principal is likely to be bothered by the teachers not liking him and the students laughing at him. 

This sudden change in the model and its associated implications unnerves the brain, prompting it to give an emotional reaction. But since the new model essentially has trivial consequences, the emotional reaction that our brain provides is laughter. 

Our brain builds mental models because it is too difficult (perhaps impossible) to have one global set of ground truths for the entire universe and take into account all of them for arriving at conclusions or explanations. 

For instance, consider that we are watching a cricket match where we see a fielder miss an easy catch. We respond to this by giving typical explanations based on typical assumptions. "Perhaps the sun got into his eye" (and if he is an Indian cricketer), "Indian players are all too-old/complacent/tired/overworked/overpaid/do-too-many-advertisements", etc.  

But, would it be possible that there was a very mild earthquake, too small to be reported, but causing enough disorientation in someone who is looking up at the sky, to make them miss the ball they are trying to catch?

Strictly speaking, it is possible and we should ask for seismographic data for that time and place and study the impact of earthquakes on people looking at the sky and... etc. But, we typically don't go down that path because this explanation is not probable. 

In fact, we don't even think of this possibility. It is so improbable an event that our mental model would have effectively blocked it out of the set of ground truths that we work on. 

Another major source of mental model change is when we change our emotional dispositions. Our emotional disposition determines our dominant emotional reaction in any given situation. It also determines the kind of explanations we build, in response to observations.

And that is a reason why emotional roller-coasters are so damn exhausting. If we change our emotional disposition in quick succession, each disposition brings with it a mental model, giving us different explanations of the same observations, thereby enormously increasing confusion. And that is also the reason why we find it hard to "think straight" in emotionally charged situations. It is not just the rush of hormones, we do experience semantic confusion in times of emotional turmoil.

Think Straight and don't get emotional!

Don’t have a wishbone where your backbone should be!

"Self-discipline is an act of cultivation.

It requires you to connect today's actions to tomorrow's results.

There's a season for sowing a season for reaping.

Self-discipline helps you know which is which."

There is an old story about a man who went to a tattooist because he had always wanted a tattoo of a lion on his back. The tattooist started to sketch the tail into the man’s torso: ‘Ouch! What are you doing?’ asked the man. ‘I’m doing the lion’s tail’ replied the tattooist. ‘Well then for goodness sake let’s have a lion without a tail!’ said the man, wincing in pain. Next the artist set about on the Lion’s whiskers. ‘Ouch!’ cried the man, ‘What’s that?’ ‘The whiskers!’ said the tattooist, getting increasingly irritated. ‘Well let’s have a lion without whiskers!’ moaned his customer. The tattooist then set about doing the Lion’s back. ‘No that hurts too!’ shouted the man. At this, the tattooist finally lost patience with the man's lack of self-discipline. Throwing down his tools and the man out of his shop he shouted, ‘How can you expect to get what you want without a little discomfort?’

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To do or achieve what’s good for you and your family will involve self-discipline to take us out of the comfort zone into a time period and area of growth until we reach a new level of success which then becomes our new normal comfort zone. There are certain things in one’s life that are too late to correct; what we think cute and nice today will soon become incorrigible for our children’s future.  Going backwards will then become uncomfortable for everyone.

Develop the muscle of self-discipline

Like anything, if you practice self-discipline, you exercise the muscle so that it becomes stronger. If we go through life doing only what we want, when we want, and not doing anything we do not feel like doing, you can imagine how easy it would be to degenerate. Some prefer doing things under the wrap; cheating oneself is bad.  Nobody actually wants to empty the rubbish or clean out their car or give up time to learn new skills but think of the consequences if no one made an effort.

Personally, I feel satisfied when I have cleared out some clutter or some other boring task.

We live in an age where everything is made to look easy. Think of those exercise workouts on the Californian beach with everyone moving effortlessly with a permanent smile on their face. My 30 minutes on a treadmill three times a week in my local gym is not so glamorous and neither do I grin all the way through but I go out in the rain, listen to get-up-and-go music, get hot and sweaty and feel good for making the effort. The result shows slowly but surely. It takes self-discipline.  You don’t want to regret later when it matters most.  

I hope it make sense!

Pygmalion Effect

The Pygmalion effect refers to the phenomenon that the greater the expectation placed upon people, often children or students, the better they perform. This is also a secret in companies where management uses this effect often unknowingly.  The effect is named after Pygmalion, a Cypriot sculptor in a narrative by Ovid in Greek mythology, who falls in love with a female statue he has carved out of ivory.

King Pygmalion of Cyprus searched for the perfect woman and when he could not find her, decided to create her. He carved a statue out of ivory and the result was so beautiful that you would have to touch the statue to confirm that she was not real flesh and blood. Pygmalion loved his perfect woman statue so much that he called her Galatea and gave her gifts daily. Pygmalion spent his days gazing longingly upon Galatea and her perfect but inanimate curves. He looked into her eyes, and he talked to her as if she were living and breathing, silently accepting his love.

One day he announced that he would wed his love. Of course, everyone thought he was mad and his advisers tried to stop his crazy plan but he believed so strongly that he prayed morning and night to Aphrodite, the god of love, for a woman as beautiful as his statue. Pygmalion ordered the finest wedding gown for his “bride”, the real bride he expected to wed. Aphrodite was so touched by his fervent belief, dedication and love that, on the morning of the planned wedding, she shot an arrow through the statue and brought Galatea to life.

~~~

The Pygmalion effect is a concept in psychology describing the behavior of individuals as people expect them to behave. Our expectations create a circle of self-fulfilling prophecies:

• We form certain expectations of people or events.
• We communicate those expectations with various cues.
• People tend to respond to these cues by adjusting their behavior to match them.
• The result is that the original expectation becomes true.

Are other people’s expectations of us, positive or negative, causing this effect in our lives? Are we consciously or more likely, unconsciously, transmitting messages to others which cause them to respond in a way so eventually we can say, “I told you so.” As parents, teachers, bosses, it is good to reflect on the substance and intent of our verbal and non-verbal communication. Do we praise someone with words yet our body language communicates a different message?

"Edify a person in advance for the positive traits you want him or her to have, and you'll find them making a concerted effort to live up to your praise." - Bob Burg

We can't change anyone but if you want someone to change, change the way you feel about them. Nagging doesn't work but your attitude and belief about them will cause them to be and act in a different way.

"When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change."

"Things do not change; we change."

The Pygmalion effect is now recognized and sometimes taught in management training but not everyone realizes the effect of their words or expectations on others.